Gone

Its in my hands, I feel in now

So close to me, inside my heart

Its in my hands, I know it now

So close inside, within my soul

And I cry out loud

A battle cry

I scream to the clouds

I yell to the sky

Because its gone

Gone, gone gone

Like a cloud on a summer day

When the sun shines and the mist fades

It’s gone gone gone

Nothing to show and nothing to be

It is just gone

So far away from me

I want it now, but cannot be

So far away I long to see

I forget the sense inside of me

When it was, back at me

But its gone

Gone, gone, gone,

Like a cloud on a summer day

When the wind blows and the mist fades

I sit in the silence

I sit in the quiet

I mourn the loss

As I decry it.

I don’t even try

No grasping or hanging on

Because like the mist

It is gone

Happiness

So elusive, so obscure

This idea to which we cling

So transcendent, so sublime

Praises to which we sing

Who are you, happiness?

What are your qualities?

Why do you taunt us?

What are your policies?

We pursue your intent

So vague, so intangible

We don’t even know you

Yet you’re so desirable

The harder we try

The more we pursue

The farther you hide

No matter what we do

But when we stop

We give up and submit

Then you somehow come

Even just a little bit

You give us hope

And we try once again

But then you are gone

And we think we’re insane

Stop altogether

And then you are there

How can we be

As we stretch and we tear

You come and you go

You tease and you poke

As if we were pawns

In a huge cosmic joke

Happiness, you are

Elusive and free

You are who you are

And that’s who you’ll be

Today

Today I sit in the quiet

Today I see into the unseen

Today I feel in the stillness

An unrest, a moving

Today I am the quiet

Today I am the unseen

Though I am not the stillness

I see from the moving

The unrest is coming

Through the quiet

Through the unseen

Forward it is moving

Today it is peace

Today it is calm

But within the tomorrow

Constant is the moving

The moving, the churning

The change and the qualm

But within each slice

Is tension between calm

Calm in each moment

But beyond it not

Silence in the present

Within the moving

The moving be present

The moving be strong

The moving be tangible

But today… it is calm

Tension

Tension between

Past and present

Tension be seen

In what is sent

Time ticking

Beyond today

Time sinking

A story to say

Sadness inside

Trying to be

Sadness abide

All throughout me

Running between

Tomorrow and yesterday

Running unseen

By the things I say

Strength arise

Inside the sound

Strength surmise

Though it pound

Crying alight

Between today

Crying at night

From yesterday

Till it is finished

Final and complete

Like it was wished

At the defeat

The Voice of Pain

This dull ache

The pain inside

So consistently present

I keep trying to hide

It’s the sad me,

Wanting to come out

But I try so hard

To suppress the shout

The shout of pain

Of anger and fear

The confusion inside

I don’t want to hear

But she tries even harder

To be heard and be known

This pain won’t be quiet

She wants to be shown

The harder she tries

The quieter I become

As the battle inside

Becomes my tomb

Locked in with myself

And the pain run wild

I shut the world out

From this plaintive child

I become so alone

Always wrestling this pain

Trying to find peace

But it all seems in vain

I think I make progress

And I feel so glad

But then I realize

I am even more sad

I just buried her deeper

Didn’t let her speak

She is even more angry

And now wants to shriek

I try to keep her quiet

By numbing her voice

With food and movies

I don’t give her a choice

And I keep on moving

Through sadness and fear

I keep on trying

To replace her in here

The cycle continues

And I feel so caught

My tired body tries

To perform as I ought

But I am failing the fight

And I can’t go on

She is hurting me daily

This battle she has won

As I give in to the pain

Discouragement and doubt

I give her a voice

Let all the pain come out

She comes with a vengeance

Screaming in like a hurricane

She hurts me so badly

I no longer feel sane

I feel so damaged

Destroyed and alone

All by myself

In this ruin of a tomb

I stand in the wreckage

Of what used to be me

So mad at the pain

I allowed to be

I stand in the quiet

Alone and so still

I stand in the emptiness

As my eyes begin to fill

Numb

My heart is frozen

As if numbed with anesthetic

My emotions are dazed

Like my whole body is sick

So much confusion

So much pain

I don’t know how to function

Or how to stay sane

Alternating with numbness

Emotions galore

Fighting and jostling

Each one wanting the floor

Don’t know how I feel

Or what’s happening inside

Just know that I’m broken

Someplace I cannot hide

I don’t know how to feel

One moment I’m completely numb

Not feeling anything at all

The next, to emotions I succumb

I hate all this pain

I despise what I’ve had to do

I just want to be free

To love like I want to

Can’t I find love for me?

Why do I just have to give

And then when I finally get back

I am required to leave?

It doesn’t make sense

This stupid confusing world

It is simply not fair

Complaints and accusations hurled

I try so hard to do right

But it seems completely wrong

My heart ends up shattered

And still I don’t belong

I don’t have anything left to give

I feel broken beyond repair

I’ll put one foot in front of the other

Trying to pretend to care

I pray one day to see

The hope beyond that pain

I believe one day will be

A joy beyond the insane

Roots

       Jesus takes me by the hand, we are in a long corridor. I ask where we are, and he says we are in the Fathers house, in the basement. He finds a door in the corridor and we go into a room. In this room there are roots coming down from the ceiling and I realize that these are the roots of my tree of life. On each root there is a phrase, I start reading some of the phrases. One says "I am loved", another says "I am worthy", then I see one that says "I will never be enough".
      This one is different from the other two, it is long and skinny and pale, whereas the others are thicker and fatter and dark brown. It starts moving and I feel it wind itself around my feet so I am stuck. I feel the words on the root start to envelop me and I feel the "truth" of them in my heart, I feel overwhelmed by sorrow and depression. Then I say the name of Jesus. Immediately, he is there. By this time the root has wound itself around and through my body. Jesus touches me, and I feel a shudder go through my body.
      Instantly the root dies, just completely dies, lets go of me, and falls to the ground. Immediately I feel this lightness come over me, and a sense of freedom. Jesus turns to me and hugs me; as his arms go around me, I feel the warmth of his love flow through me. "I have made you enough" he says. I see a new root grow in the place of the old one, it is strong and thick like the other ones, and on it says "I am enough". I want to let the truth of that root sink in so I lean against Jesus and just rest and let the words flow over me, "I am enough". In Christ Jesus, I am enough. I feel so relaxed and at peace.
      There is a part of me that wants to run through the whole room and find all the lies and get rid of them, and then there is a part of me that realizes I need to rest in this new revelation and receive it, to absorb it, to really make it a part of who I am. The other lies can wait. I need to revel in this truth and make it mine.
      Instantly, I am transported from this room to a throne room. There are thousands and thousands of thrones in this room. Jesus brings me to a throne and tells me to sit on it. As soon as I sit down the ground beneath the throne opens up and I see a huge piece of land. I realize that this is the land that this specific throne rules over. "This is your sphere of influence, my daughter, rule well, and know that you are enough, because I have made you enough. The vision fades from view.