The Voice of Pain

This dull ache

The pain inside

So consistently present

I keep trying to hide

It’s the sad me,

Wanting to come out

But I try so hard

To suppress the shout

The shout of pain

Of anger and fear

The confusion inside

I don’t want to hear

But she tries even harder

To be heard and be known

This pain won’t be quiet

She wants to be shown

The harder she tries

The quieter I become

As the battle inside

Becomes my tomb

Locked in with myself

And the pain run wild

I shut the world out

From this plaintive child

I become so alone

Always wrestling this pain

Trying to find peace

But it all seems in vain

I think I make progress

And I feel so glad

But then I realize

I am even more sad

I just buried her deeper

Didn’t let her speak

She is even more angry

And now wants to shriek

I try to keep her quiet

By numbing her voice

With food and movies

I don’t give her a choice

And I keep on moving

Through sadness and fear

I keep on trying

To replace her in here

The cycle continues

And I feel so caught

My tired body tries

To perform as I ought

But I am failing the fight

And I can’t go on

She is hurting me daily

This battle she has won

As I give in to the pain

Discouragement and doubt

I give her a voice

Let all the pain come out

She comes with a vengeance

Screaming in like a hurricane

She hurts me so badly

I no longer feel sane

I feel so damaged

Destroyed and alone

All by myself

In this ruin of a tomb

I stand in the wreckage

Of what used to be me

So mad at the pain

I allowed to be

I stand in the quiet

Alone and so still

I stand in the emptiness

As my eyes begin to fill

Numb

My heart is frozen

As if numbed with anesthetic

My emotions are dazed

Like my whole body is sick

So much confusion

So much pain

I don’t know how to function

Or how to stay sane

Alternating with numbness

Emotions galore

Fighting and jostling

Each one wanting the floor

Don’t know how I feel

Or what’s happening inside

Just know that I’m broken

Someplace I cannot hide

I don’t know how to feel

One moment I’m completely numb

Not feeling anything at all

The next, to emotions I succumb

I hate all this pain

I despise what I’ve had to do

I just want to be free

To love like I want to

Can’t I find love for me?

Why do I just have to give

And then when I finally get back

I am required to leave?

It doesn’t make sense

This stupid confusing world

It is simply not fair

Complaints and accusations hurled

I try so hard to do right

But it seems completely wrong

My heart ends up shattered

And still I don’t belong

I don’t have anything left to give

I feel broken beyond repair

I’ll put one foot in front of the other

Trying to pretend to care

I pray one day to see

The hope beyond that pain

I believe one day will be

A joy beyond the insane

Roots

       Jesus takes me by the hand, we are in a long corridor. I ask where we are, and he says we are in the Fathers house, in the basement. He finds a door in the corridor and we go into a room. In this room there are roots coming down from the ceiling and I realize that these are the roots of my tree of life. On each root there is a phrase, I start reading some of the phrases. One says "I am loved", another says "I am worthy", then I see one that says "I will never be enough".
      This one is different from the other two, it is long and skinny and pale, whereas the others are thicker and fatter and dark brown. It starts moving and I feel it wind itself around my feet so I am stuck. I feel the words on the root start to envelop me and I feel the "truth" of them in my heart, I feel overwhelmed by sorrow and depression. Then I say the name of Jesus. Immediately, he is there. By this time the root has wound itself around and through my body. Jesus touches me, and I feel a shudder go through my body.
      Instantly the root dies, just completely dies, lets go of me, and falls to the ground. Immediately I feel this lightness come over me, and a sense of freedom. Jesus turns to me and hugs me; as his arms go around me, I feel the warmth of his love flow through me. "I have made you enough" he says. I see a new root grow in the place of the old one, it is strong and thick like the other ones, and on it says "I am enough". I want to let the truth of that root sink in so I lean against Jesus and just rest and let the words flow over me, "I am enough". In Christ Jesus, I am enough. I feel so relaxed and at peace.
      There is a part of me that wants to run through the whole room and find all the lies and get rid of them, and then there is a part of me that realizes I need to rest in this new revelation and receive it, to absorb it, to really make it a part of who I am. The other lies can wait. I need to revel in this truth and make it mine.
      Instantly, I am transported from this room to a throne room. There are thousands and thousands of thrones in this room. Jesus brings me to a throne and tells me to sit on it. As soon as I sit down the ground beneath the throne opens up and I see a huge piece of land. I realize that this is the land that this specific throne rules over. "This is your sphere of influence, my daughter, rule well, and know that you are enough, because I have made you enough. The vision fades from view.

Hitchhiking

         There have been many people who have heard that I went hitchhiking this summer and have wanted to hear about it. So yes, in answer to the biggest question I get from anyone, I did indeed go hitchhiking this summer and I did indeed go alone as a single girl. I spent six and a half weeks traveling from here to the East Coast in Canada, down to Georgia in the United States, across to California on the West Coast, up to Vancouver and home again. I traveled a total of 18,000 kilometers, went through 10 provinces and 24 states, left with zero dollars and came back with 65; it was the best trip of my life! I got to visit Niagara Falls, go up the CN tower in Toronto, swim in four of the Great Lakes, sleep on the beach in Prince Edward Island, climb a mountain in Newfoundland, take pictures along the Cabot Trail in Nova Scotia, eat fish and chips in Halifax, be awed by the power of Peggy’s cove, sail along the coast of Maine in a Schooner, see the Grand Canyon, visit friends in California, walk along the beach on Vancouver Island and so incredibly much more.

          What made me decide to do such a crazy thing? Well, some of it I can attribute to my thirst for adventure, but to be honest there was something much deeper driving me. This deeper drive was some of my questions about Christianity. I was raised in a Christian home and I have been a “good Christian girl” my whole life. I have pursued God most of my life and longed for a deep relationship with God. But there was something holding me back. It seemed that no matter how much I tried; there was something in Christianity and in God that I could not find. I was in my secure safe little box my whole life  I did not understand God’s love, I did not understand intimacy with him, and I did not understand his provision. I was desperate to find that. I decided that I wanted to put myself in a situation where I was dependent upon God every single moment. I would be dependent first and foremost for safety, but also for food, for rides, and for a place to sleep at night, I would also be dependent upon him for any emotional support. I realized the risk I was taking; I understood that I could quite easily be raped and murdered as a result of my decision, I realized also that I could be lonely, cold, and miserable most of the trip, but I was so desperate for finding God that I was willing to take that risk. Many people tried to convince me otherwise, but after a year of talking to God about it, I was convinced that this is what I was supposed to do.

          God did not disappoint me. Over the course of the six and a half weeks that I was gone, he showed me his love again and again. I was overwhelmed so many times by the ways in which he took care of me and gave to me. Somewhere along the road in Ontario, God started showing me that He does not need me to be someone else; He accepts me just as I am. My heroes in life are Todd White and Heidi Baker and I have always tried to be like them, but God showed me clearly that he does not want another Todd White or another Heidi Baker. If he would have wanted one, he would have created one, but that is not want he wants. He showed me that what he wants is for me to be me. He needs for me to be Jaclyn Van Hierden, and that’s all. Complete with my personality, my capability, my strengths, my weaknesses, and my failures.

He also showed me love by provision. I had just spent a day on the beach on Prince Edward Island and I was quite lonely. I had tried all day to meet people but the people just did not seem to want to talk with me; I guess they were all just enjoying their own vacation. I was traveling from the Island to get to Newfoundland and I was kind of discouraged and lonely. Then this guy picked me up who was from Cape Brenton. He was very friendly and bought me supper then he brought me to his house where he and his wife let me sleep for the night. They were the friendliest people and I had a wonderful evening with them. He dropped me off at the Newfoundland Ferry in the morning and gave me $20.00. It was such amazing provision at just the right time. I was overwhelmed by the way God so knew exactly what my needs were and how to meet them.

           The best time was when I was kayaking alone for five hours down the river in New Brunswick. It was so beautiful and calm and perfect and I felt God really showed me that I was not accepting myself and through that I was not able to receive His acceptance of me. I felt like I had to be perfect and if I was not then I was not good enough. In that moment I told God that I accepted myself and that I accepted the way that he made me. I think this was one of the most powerful moments of my trip. It made me feel accepted, not only by me, but also by God. It gave me the greatest sense of freedom.

           Another great moment was the time in which God got me the job on the schooner. It is kind of a long story, so I will try to be short. Mr. Lee, an older gentleman in a 57 Red Chevy truck (my dream vehicle) picked me up. He was the friendliest guy, told me that his granddaughter was supposed to come along with him on this trip, but since she couldn’t, for today I would be his granddaughter. He then started talking about sailing and how much he loved it. I showed a lot of interest and he said, “tell you what, I will drive you down to the dock and see if I can get you a job on the schooner that I worked on years ago”. I got so super excited about that, but did not truly believe it would actually happen. But is just so happened that the schooner was leaving the next day and that they were going to be gone for a week and that they did not mind if I came along to work. I was so excited I literally jumped up and down and gave Mr. Lee, an almost complete stranger, a huge hug! So within ten minutes I was set to work cleaning out the galley and scrubbing decks. I saw all over this moment the hand of God. I remember just standing on deck overwhelmed with the goodness of God, with the fact that He knew that this was the best thing that he could ever have given me on this trip, and with the verse “He will give you abundantly above and beyond all you could ask or imagine” going through my mind. It was so far above any and all of my expectations and that week was by far the best week of my whole trip.

          There were so many other moments of people just randomly giving me money, food, and a place to stay. One time when someone gave me $5.00 I almost cried, I just felt so unbelievably overwhelmed by God’s provision. I did not need the five dollars. I had enough, but God was giving me more than enough. And I do not know of the many times in which he protected me. One time I was stuck in Memphis Tennessee. I couldn’t find a ride and had to walk through the entire city, this is known to be a dangerous city. I was walking through a bad part of town, there were gangs and I was not feeling very comfortable about it all. I just kept walking and praying and suddenly I felt such an incredible peace from God. I did not feel afraid at all and knew that even if anyone tried to do anything to me they could not touch me because I was protected by God. It was a pretty amazing, secure feeling. Another time I was in Fresno, California, a place that is also known to be a bad place; not just for hitchhikers, but just in general a place you do not want to be alone. I only had to wait a few minutes for a ride and the woman who picked me up had never picked up a hitchhiker before and was completely confused to why she stopped. I knew that was a miracle from God.

          Near to the end of my trip this one trucker picked me up. He was a Mexican guy and seriously totally was a gift from God. He took me all the way from Redding, California to Seattle, Washington and he showed me God’s love. He was like a father figure to me. He treated me like his own daughter. He bought me anything I wanted and even stuff I did not want. He was so giving and so gentle. He offered to borrow a car and drive me from Seattle to Canada if I could not find a ride. That’s a three hour drive one way! I cried when he left, but that time of being with him was very powerful. Honestly I felt like God had just picked me up and showed me His love in a very tangible way.

           So honestly those are just a few stories of how God provided for me and loved me. I could not even begin to tell all of them. I think the most powerful thing out of all of this though is seeing in such a tangible way God’s love and His provision. I think that sometimes we, in our society, don’t really “need” God in the little things, such as daily bread. And I think that because of that we fail to believe in his provision. We need to tangibly see something in order to believe it. I want to say that I know that God will provide for his children. Matthew 6:8 says that “your Father knows what you need before you ask him”. That involves the basic daily provision such as food, safety, and a place to sleep, but it also includes provision for the big things such as freedom from addiction, repairing a shattered relationship, healing from sickness, and restoration from a broken past. No matter how big your problem is, our God is bigger.

True Love

We talk about love

And the happiness of it

About being in love

And the romance in it

But do we really know

What that word means

Can we ever truly go

Beyond what it seems

Unconditional love

Means something so much more

It means giving everything

Till you’re empty to the core

Love means a shattered heart

It means pain and rejection

When there is nothing left to give

It means giving once again

It means caring and giving

Even when you fully know

That there will be no return

From the love that you show

It means seeing a homeless man

And the filth in which they live

Crying with a broken heart

For something more to give

It means going the extra mile

For someone who has betrayed you

It means giving out of pain

And knowing brokenness as you do

How can a human being

Living on this darkened earth

Truly love in that way

Without finding death first

True love does mean death

And I think that is why

In order to follow Him

Jesus said that we must die

Purpose

Tripping beside reality

Hiding in its truth

Running from the pain

In its existence from youth

Hiding behind yesterday

And the sadness that it shares

Breaking away from it

Stretching as it tears

Confusion in the letting go

Running as they hide

Trying to find the healing

Hanging on to pride

Letting go in the sadness

Trying to be free

Being left with nothing

Nothing that can be

Ashes on the grave that’s dug

Beside what should be me

Emptiness on the life thats lived

Contrary to the one can see

Finding purpose in the pain

Reality in the space

Knowing peace in the shame

And finally finding a place

Aloneness

Aloneness,

The vice in which I hide

The place I find security

The residence in which I abide

I used to run from it

With fear of what I would discover

I used to be terrified

Of what aloneness would uncover

I pushed to be around people

Always avoiding alone

I never took time to stop

And to myself be known

Aloneness was a fear

I avoided at all costs

I hid from it like the plague

Afraid that in it I would be lost

But now I fear I have switched

And aloneness is where I abide

I’ve found a security in it

And now from others I hide

I’ve gone from dependence

To an insistence on my own

I’m hiding in independence

I’m desperate to be alone

But I know that it isn’t right

I need to share my pain

I have to move to interdependence

Before security can reign